PoStCaRdS from HeAvEn

We’re back! But I still have a hangover. When you spend 5 whole days in a place like Boracay, it takes a while to get used to being back to the reality that is Manila. Last week was spent basking in the glorious sun and I had many moments of awe. How perfectly awesome God has made this world of ours!

The very second we stepped out of the airplane in Caticlan, my heart started beating so rapidly. That is how much I love Bora. It felt like seeing someone from the past and rekindling a love affair. The place is just beautiful. I know that there may be more beautiful, less commercialized beaches out there, but being the roots person that I am, I will, again and again, go back to the place that has taken my breath away.

I am not perfect.

The truth is there are many sins and wrong attitudes in my life that I continue to fiercely struggle with. I still get angry, still am impatient, still wrongly judge people, still talk without thinking. There are still bad habits to be broken and wrong ideas to be changed.

Believe me, even my relationship with God isn’t perfect, at least not in my book. I used to have this notion that everyday should be like a honeymoon but there are times when my heart does not feel the longing that I thought I should always feel. There are times when I have this idea na nagtatampo sa akin si God. Here’s what my dad said about that: Do not worry that you are right now in the valley. These periods of spiritual dryness is so that you will realize that without Him we are nothing and aimless. He is still there. He wants you to draw closer. You must look deep and whatever it is that you see in you that displeases Him ask for forgiveness, thn He will reach out, heal you and bring you back. Even if the feeling is gone, keep at it. Remember faith is not based on feelings. Our relationship with God is not based on feelings. Can you imagine if it was ? God would have dumped us a long time ago. And so even when I have to practically drag my feet to go to church, even when the temptation is so great to just sleep rather than read my Bible, I still go to church, still pray, still read my Bible because the fact of the matter is I desperately need Him in my life.

I know people watch me and maybe they think I am not what I should be. I don’t blame them. Even I think I’m not worthy. But the truth remains: The Blood of the Son of God, who was blameless and was without sin, was shed 2000 years ago to save me, to bear the punishment for my sins, to make me whole again. That was how much He loved me, and you, too. And I will never stop thanking Him for his unending grace and his unchanging love.

Truth is I am not a Christian because of anything I did or did not do, or anything I do or do not do. It is only by God’s grace, only by His forgiveness, only by His abounding love.

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."… This is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Just like what they say on bumper stickers: Be patient, God is not finished with me yet.

The world has fooled many into believing that as the earth and the people living in it evolve, so do the standards change. But do they really? Today, we find ourselves living in a place with many sidestreets, many shortcuts, many gray areas. Because an increasing number of people do not have the faith to believe that true love exists, disposable relationships have become a rule rather than an exception. Even my grandparents seem to think that for as long as you are old enough to handle relationships, then you are free to engage in a series of trial-and-error couplings. I have tried to explain to them that if God has prepared a man to be my husband (which I truly believe He has), what is the point of putting my heart on the line as I search for "the one?" You might ask: how will you find him if you stay home on weekends? Let me ask you: do you think God takes the weekends off?

Are we so scared to hope that God Himself will take care of whatever concerns us? I don’t mean we should just be idle. What we must do is work at the purpose God has tasked us to do and the rest will be up to Him. There is no shame in waiting for God’s own time. No matter what effort we put into something, whether it be a relationship or work or whatever else, if it is not God’s will for us, it will not happen, it will not work. But the wonderful thing with God is that even before we were born, He has planned out our lives, every meticulous detail of it and He NEVER makes mistakes. Everything is black and white with God. There are no gray areas, no conditions, no ifs, no buts.

Carol and I ate at Manang’s at the Ateneo Covered Courts yesterday morning. I hadn’t been to Ateneo for nearly three years (and the time I visited, I just went to get my transcript which they needed me to submit here at Summit) and boy, have things changed! The old entrance of the Comm Building has since been closed and to get in, you have to enter through the side door near Ma’am Doreen’s old office. The old shooting range for the Rifle Pistol team (which I was a part of for a while) is now the Martial Arts Center. And get this, at Manang’s clubhouse, you have to clean as you go. I’m happy that they’re teaching the kids to pick up after themselves but Carol and I looked a bit lost because we didn’t know where we were supposed to put the plates. Buti na lang kilala pa ako ng mga tao doon and I didn’t look too ignorant.

While we were eating, the members of the Blue Babble Battalion were teaching the freshmen (It was the third day of Orsem) the Ateneo cheers. That brought back a lot of college memories so Carol and I were reminiscing the whole day. To cap off the day, we went to Tia Maria’s Cantina and had dinner there. College was a wonderful experience for me and if anyone reading this is in college, I’m telling you, cherish those four years and really make it count.

  Who would have thought that I would become a born-again Christian?

I have always considered myself a spiritual person. I have never doubted God’s existence and in fact, I have always attributed everything in my life to my Maker. However, there have been many times in my life when I thought that religion and church, for that matter, had no value. I remember being reprimanded by my grandmother when I was a kid and I would move to the beat of a particularly danceable church song. Hindi daw dapat nagsasayaw sa simbahan.

I would hate getting up early in the morning of Sundays after staying up late on Saturdays to go to church. I remember feeling resentful when my mom would make remarks about me not having a relationship with God because I did not want to go to church. I tried to pay attention during the mass but just ended up daydreaming or sleeping with my eyes open.

So, who would have thought I would end up like this?

March last year was a really trying time for me. I was at a really low point in my life and I didn’t want to trouble anyone with my problems. I felt like people were watching me, expecting me to break down and I didn’t want them to see me when that happened. I’ve always been a strong person and I didn’t want anyone to see how hurt and broken I was. That was the turning point. I asked myself "Who could I turn to?" I needed someone who wouldn’t judge me, or patronize me, or feel sorry for me; someone who could understand the pain that I felt; someone who could comfort me and it would be okay to let that person comfort me…

That was when I decided to REALLY let God be the ONE. One day in June exactly a year ago, I let Him in. And He did not disappoint. I clung on to him for dear life. I depended on Him to help me through each day. I let Him wipe every tear and heal every pain. I remember attending my first service and weeping my heart out while singing these words: "You are my Shield, my Strength, my Portion, Deliverer, my Shelter, Strong Tower, my very present Help in time of Need…" That night, I felt His embrace. My problems didn’t get solved in one day, not even in one week. They didn’t really disappear but I got through the trials, day by day, glory by glory.

Then one day, I found myself laughing again and felt my eyes light up. God put back in my heart something I thought I had already lost…hope. And even today, things aren’t always the way I want them to be. But no matter what happens, I know that God is with me, holding my hand day by day, getting me through, glory by glory.